Boobs.

I bought a new bra from Victoria's Secret this weekend. It is from their new Pink line which is very, very cute. I once worked at Vicky's for a summer. I really sucked at it, mostly because I really suck at selling people things. (Although I'm very good at convincing people to do things, but I guess that's different. It has to be because, like I said, I really sucked at that job.) Anyway, here are some helpful things that I learned from that summer.

1. You do not call underwear, underwear. It is panties. Always panties. My old roommate Lola says that that word sounds really dirty to her. I don't know. I do know that Vicky wants nothing to do with underwear. It is all panties, all the time.

2. You do not call stick on bras, stick on bras. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept, they are basically stickers that you put on to serve as a bra for when you have a backless dress or something. They are weird and don't really work.) What you call these things is adhesives. I know because I got in trouble for calling them stick on bras.

3. You cannot wear red nail polish.

4. Your nails can't be too long.

5. Your suit has to be, if I remember correctly, at least 70% black.

6. You aren't allowed to spray the tissue paper with perfume when the customer is looking. I also got in trouble for this.

7. If a man comes in and wants to try on women's clothing, you can't say no. This happened at my store.

8. This is my favorite story from working at Victoria's. It's a good one. So one day, this woman comes in and asks for these enhancers. I have no clue what these are, so I have to ask. I don't remember what I called them, but I probably got in trouble for whatever I said. Anyway, it turns out that they are these boobs in a box. Literally. They look like someone chopped off two boobs, and put them in a pink, striped box. Surprise! Tas in box. (My friend Pat calls boobs tas which I think is funny. I stole it from him.) So I show this woman the ta box and she goes to try them on. Apparently, what happens is you put them in your bra to make it look like you've got a bigger rack than you really do. Here are my thoughts on that. You are obviously wearing these to impress someone. Fine, whatever. Problem is, there is a good chance that if things work out between you and guy-you-want-to-impress-with-bigger-boobs, he's gonna eventually find out that- surprise again!- half of your boobs are boxed. And then you're going to look like a big weirdo for putting in fake boobs all this time. Boobs from a BOX no less. SOOOOO, anyway- this woman decides that boobs in a box are indeed for her and she buys them. They are expensive. Bigger boobies are a big deal to her. Good- more commission for me. So a few days later, another woman comes in and also wants a booby box. So this time, I go over and open the box to show her what they look like and I am stunned to find that- OF ALL THE NONSENSE- boobs in a box come in different skin shades! And it dawns on me that I had sold the previous booby box woman (who happened to be white) boobies that were actually intended for a woman who was black. WHO THE CRAP KNEW?!

So, the moral here is to never assume that boobs that come in a box are one and the same. They are many, many things, but one-shade-fits-all is not an attribute.