WOMEN. READ THIS. CAPITALS MAKE THINGS MORE SERIOUS.

I have a job now where I actually have to do work at night. I'm tired as crap. (No messages back about "How can crap be tired?" I'll punch you in your face if you do that.) So, instead of sleeping, I'm catching up on my blog because I've been going through withdrawals.

My friend Todd sent me this email because he thought, correctly, that I would appreciate the absurdity of this serious email. Ladies: THIS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE. VERY SERIOUS. Thus, I will write my comments in italics so as to further the helpful advice. Read and be savvy.

Warning for Women
After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your
body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

I once watched a show with my Grandma about self defense on tv. It said that if you were being attacked, you should stick your fingers in your attacker's eyeball sockets. I saw this probably 6 or 7 years ago and, I am not kidding, I have often thought about whether or not I would be able to do this. I think I could, but I would be REALLY grossed out. I've considered the sensation this would have on my fingers and it really disgusts me. It is a question that haunts me. I think it would be more effective than your elbows though.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks
for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from
you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse
than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER
DIRECTION!

I don't think I even need to comment on this one. This is too stupid for words. I don't even want to waste my time pointing out the absurdity of this tip. Run away... As opposed to what? Giving him a hug?! I will say though, that whoever wrote this email was CRAZY about CAPITALS. Freaking loves them.

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the
back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

I don't think that this tip was clear enough. Are you waving for help or just to be friendly? It might actually get even more people to notice if you waved your middle finger. I would be a lot more interested to know what the problem was if I saw that coming out of the trunk of a car.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun
to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
First of all, I don't know how to balance my checkbook. This is the beauty of having online banking. Second of all, if I did, I would certainly not do it in the car. I would do something stupid like honk the horn while writing on the wheel. Thirdly, don't you sort of HAVE to sit for a second when you get in? Is the writer proposing that the woman get a running start, dive into the car, and slam on the gas? I'm not sure how quickly I am supposed to be starting to drive, but I really need to practice if this is what they are implying. I'm not so awesome at diving right now.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car
crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

I have many thoughts about this one. The first is, isn't gunning the engine another way of saying 'drive off'? I'm confused about the conflicting information. Drive off? Don't drive off? By the time I figured it out, I would have had my brains shot out. Also, I have a hard time believing that after smashing into an air bag, I would have the ability to just bail out and run. It is not like a pillow fight collision. These things break freaking necks sometimes. There is a reason you have to face baby car seats away from air bags. C'mon now. Finally, the punctuation is atrocious in this tip. Instead isn't capitalized for starters, and why is air bag capitalized? *sigh*

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or
parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a Guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

A) Will you not look like you are casing out the car if you go around, suspiciously looking into it? Just my luck, I'd get arrested for auto theft by trying to keep my body from being found in a remote location. B) What if you are parked BETWEEN two vans? The author didn't give me enough information for this to be helpful. Do I enter through the trunk? C) Why does guard get to be capitalized and policeman doesn't? Probably the author of this stellar piece of work did ask a policeman to walk them out and got laughed at and she had to get a guard to do it because they don't do much anyway. She'd show that damn policeman someday. See if they get THEIR name capitalized in her mass email. Yeah. Showed him. I do, however, agree that it is better to be paranoid than dead. Unless I was schizophrenic in which case I might reconsider because that is a truly debilitating and horrible disease and I think I'd rather be in Heaven in that case. That's the one exception.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

I don't have an elevator in my building. Thus, I will be unable to attend any after dusk functions with any of you ever again. Better paranoid than dead. Better a lonely hermit with no friends than finding my body in a remote location. And anyway, last year when I lived in Harlem I had to walk by the crack addicts under scaffolding every night and it was alright. Even before some girl told me that I should walk around it because once she almost got poked by one of their needles. Stairs. HAH! I laugh at you stairs. You pose no threat to me.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

Is there a scenario in which the predator could have a gun and you would not be under his control? Would he just be showing it to you? Maybe a predator eager for attention? Is this gun ok? What do you think of it? Too showy? Also, I'm pretty fond of all of my organs really. I think if I had to choose one to lose it would be my appendix because everyone knows you don't need those. But I don't think it's very likely that the predator would hit that.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

The next time anyone with a cane or limp asks me for help, I'm going to laugh in their face- I don't care WHO it is. Oh ho ho! I know what you're playing, you sick, twisted, sorry excuse for a human being. No one is abducting me today! I will keep all of my vitals intact and will live to see tomorrow! Open the door yourself! Loser.

Finally, I think it should be noted that at the beginning of the list it clearly states that 9 tips will be included. Since I cut and pasted, I think you will see that, for some reason which I'm sure makes complete and utter sense of which I am not aware, the number 5 was replaced with the letter a and then 5 picks back up after a, leaving only 8 tips.

Ladies, learn these tips and love them. Learn them and love them...